whooppee!

My friend Tricia and I will begin teaching a women's fitness class at our church beginning February 12th. It could be interesting, but we're both excited about it and what lies ahead.

Last night I got a call asking if I would help lead a break out session at our women's retreat in April. Yet another whooppee! Obviously, I'll be helping out with the session on physical health. I'll be meeting with those in charge in a few weeks to find out what exactly they are thinking and what direction they would like us to go with it. Still, I'm excited to be getting these opportunities.

There's more to write, but laundry calls. So does a nap. Fighting a cold...grrrr! About to start training with my "gang" for the music city half marathon and in walks a cold. This ALWAYS happens. My body's way of rebelling and letting me know, up front, that it's opposed to training I suppose. Nothing lots of drugs (legal ones) won't help. Praying they work hard and fast. Off to tend to the laundry now.

Pics

Cailey and I pre-party. We're ready to celebrate!
Mom and I being very silly, and hungry...post party and ready for dinner!
Carsynn and I, she's hysterical. Her cheeks and huge smile make me happy.

Sweet Home....

As expected, the trip to Lubbock was fantastic. Cailey was 100% surprised to see me when Dad and I picked her up from school. We even staged it so she wouldn't notice me when she first came out. I think she was in shock, it was hysterical. However, the girl must be growing up. She asked to go to a friend's house for a bit. What?!?! Not staying with me?!?!?! This was definitely a first, but I'm ok with it. Unlike most visits, I actually got to hang out with my parents a little bit. Wow, I really like those two wild "kids"!

Cailey's birthday party went well. It was insane at first due to a lack of organization on the event location, but, everyone had fun. There were cupcakes and presents, and little girls laughing, so all was well in the world.

Sunday, Mom, Cailey, and I headed out to "Pottery Daze" to have some girl time. We went to a small coffee shop first, then headed over. It was so fun. Cailey "helped" me put some dots on a cup I did for Andy. The cup now looks like it has the measles, but oh well. It was done in love.

Cailey and I also had quite the chat that afternoon. It amazes me how intelligent she is and how well she can articulate her thoughts. She has a deeper understanding of God than most adults, but then, maybe that is because of what our family has been through. Still, her questions and insights are incredible. We even discussed what a birthday party in Heaven would be like because that's where Camden is. I had to fight tears back when she talked about him. We even discussed the fact she can't remember a lot of things very well, it was obvious that the idea of forgetting scared her. I pray I did ok in letting her know that it was ok to not remember every detail, that the love she has for her brother is more important anyway. Man it was hard to not just start crying right then and there.

After sitting next to the most obnoxious child ever on the plane from Houston to Nashville (more on that later), I returned to a car with a tire about to go to tire Heaven. I made it to a tire store, got it fixed, and found my way safely home. Seriously, God alone took care of that because the tire was not in good shape. But, it's good to be home again.

I'm off to see the wizard....

Maybe not the wizard, but I will be off to see my family in the morning. My sweet mom, once again, blessed me with a ticket home to help celebrate my niece's 8th birthday. I am completely excited because I didn't think I was going to be able to go. YIPPEE! Bring on the party!!!!

The transition from one job to doing my own thing is going well, though it is slow. I have to remind myself to be patient, but persistent. Some folks can't seem to make up their minds whether they actually want help getting healthy or not. Come on people, get with it! I'm still excited to be doing my own thing though, it's a completely new adventure for me.

Andy is doing well at work, getting promoted and moving up all over the place. He's amazing. There are few things his mind cannot pick up and retain quickly. that's definitely a bonus in his world of computers. He told me last night he's not sure why he is being shown such favor, but he's thankful he is. It's amazing even him how God is working some things out. I love that.

Off to pack and clean, and a few other things before I meet a friend to workout. Stay warm, stay safe, and stay sane.

Moving On

Moving On

Michelle Discavage 1/23/07

I'm moving on from here, from this.
I'm moving on from a place I cannot stand,
do not like,
a place that makes me feel lost,
alone,
and out of place.

I am tired of trying,
Trying to be close
when you shove me away
Trying to apologize
from things I may say

I cannot apologize anymore
What would you have me say,
that I am sorry for being me,
that I am sorry for moving away,
sorry that a moment with me
seems to cause such agony?

I did not write my own fate
I never wanted to feel like it is me you hate
I did not choose everything life has brought,
But I'm tired of feeling trapped and caught...

In the middle of it all yet
On the outside looking in

So I'm trying to move on
Not knowing if you'll join me
Not knowing if you'll still see
time together as complete misery.

I hope you don't
I wish you'd change your mind

But I can't stay where I am, stuck, and lost, and sad
So I am moving on.

This poem is not intended for my sweet husband, let's get that cleared up right now. Besides, I have some serious cramps going on, so that could be part of it too.

Having "family" over

My oh my, what a weekend. Friday night, I left Andy at home to go hang with the girls. My friend, Stephanie, hosted the evening, and it was a great night. Although I did not stay long, it was nice to just sit and chat with the girls.

Saturday morning, I left Andy at home, again, to join in with some ladies from church as we welcomed new members. We met at Third Coast Clay and each painted a coffee mug. I was proud as could be at how mine turned out, until I looked up at everyone else's. So, mine looks like a 12 year old painted it with it's lime green, pink, purple, and light blue colors, but oh well. Some of the others looked like they were straight out of the Pottery Barn. Clearly, not my gifting, but it was fun.

For lunch, we had our "family" over. This family is different from others but tighter than most. A group of friends from different places and of different races, but as protective and loving as any family could be. We try to get together at least once a month to make sure we are staying connected and that everyone is ok. As soon as they started arriving, it really was like family had come to visit. We ate, laughed, played games, listened to music, and just enjoyed each other. One member of the family was absent, but we included her via a text message. I love technology. It was good for my heart to have them here and to be able to hug each of them...repeatedly.

Saturday night, as if we hadn't already had enough fun, Andy and I headed out to our friend Aaron's "Sweet 30" birthday party. It was comical and a great time. It was so completely Aaron. He, his wife, his child, are all so adorable. He even wore a crown for the event and had everything planned. It makes me smile even now just thinking about it all. What a wonderful, incredible, mess he is.

We closed out our weekend by coming home after church and staying put. We watched some football (fine, I slept through the first game, but whatever), then rejoiced when the Colts beat the Patriots. Woo-wee, what a come back!

Friday, I'm heading out to Lubbock to celebrate my niece's 8th birthday. I wasn't expecting to go, but my mom had a free ticket with SW, and as is typical, is letting me use it. I couldn't be happier though. I haven't seen my family since November, and am about to lose my mind (not a big loss, but still).

So, with all the excitement from the weekend, I'm looking forward to this week. My time at one gym is winding down, and my start at another is beginning to form. Pretty exciting stuff, I just pray I get the clients I need and that Andy can put up with me through it all.

Monday, January 15, 2007

In honor of Martin Luther King Jr Day, Andy and I took part in a March that was hosted by our church. This article explains it well. In fact, the picture in the top right of the article is of our pastor, who is holding an umbrella for the mayor of Franklin (white man in the background) and Bill Miller, an American Indian, who is singing. What a great picture, all colors of skin united for one cause.

It was incredible to be a part of the event. The rain didn't matter, the cold didn't matter, I had more fun that day than I have in a while. I loved every minute of it. It's nice to be a part of something bigger than myself, to not be focused on me....for a change.

Oh happy day

My my my, what a day. Today is Camden's 4th birthday. I'm wondering what birthday parties in Heaven are like. I bet they rock. A chorus of angels to sing Happy Birthday to you, how cool is that? I wonder if they have cake in Heaven, if they do, I bet it is amazing! Random and silly I know, but these are some of the thoughts that go through my head. Since I have not been to Heaven, and believe that once I'm there I will not have blogging abilities to report on it to you, I come up with these notions of what it may be like. It's childish I know, but since God says we must have faith like a child, I figure I'm headed in the right direction.

Everyday that I go into work, I remind myself I will not be there much longer, but that I am still there. It's hard to be really excited since I know that chapter is closing. But, it's the right thing to do. My manager said he's mad at me, as are the owners (all said while smiling). However, they did state they completely support what I am doing and offered any help I may need. That made me happy. I don't want things to end on a negative note, so hearing them say that was quite pleasing to me.

Yesterday, I actually trained someone at the "new place." I loved it! I still need to get accustomed to their equipment and the resources available, but it was fun. I was training a football player whom I taught last year. At the end of the workout, he said I was Satan. What does that mean? I AM AMAZING!!!!! He cracked me up and I'll have fun working with him and helping him prepare for his senior year.

More folks have said they want to work with me there, which is encouraging. Already I can see God's hand lining everything up. It makes me laugh because I may have some scheduling conflicts and may have to turn some folks away. Andy had to remind me that just because I have a few hours available in the day doesn't mean I need to fill them. He'll have to keep on me about that because I am one who tends to overload her schedule. (Me? Busy? It can't be! Alas, it's true.)

As I laid in bed at 6 am this morning (what in the world was I awake for?!?!), I had many thoughts going on in my head. But, as luck would have it, they have all escaped my brain in the two hours that have passed. Hope everyone is safe and warm today!

Yet another adventure in my world

Yesterday, I submitted my resignation to the gym I am currently working at. I am excited, nervous, relieved, anxious, all rolled into one. I will be there until the end of the month, but am currently building up my client base for my independent work as a personal trainer. Wednesday, I headed up to the gym I will be working out of, and felt like I was at home. It's very relaxed, very inviting. I really feel like now is the time for me to step out on my own, have some faith, and jump on in. I don't even need a lot of clients, just "enough". That's been my prayer this week, "Lord, just send me enough."

Andy has been, as expected, incredible through all of this. When I have voiced my concerns and trepidations, he is encouraging and says he's excited about all of it. He can't wait to see what happens. I promised him that, if for some reason, I get no clients at all and it's just not working out, I'll work at a temp agency or something like that. He said he didn't think there would be a need for such things. Man I love him.

After I handed in my letter of resignation, I was having quite the conversations with the head trainer. He basically, in a very indirect "I haven't the guts to say this straight out" kind of way, told me I needed to lose weight and get into better shape to be an effective and valid trainer. You should be proud of me, I nodded, smiled, and did NOT come up out of my chair to whoop his little hiney! See, I'm learning. Inside, I laughed. Then, I wondered how many times in my life people were going to tell me I don't measure up based on the fact I am not a petite girl. Even in really great shape, I am not petite. Thanks to my father, I have a strong build with linebacker's shoulders and all. I wondered how someone so out of shape has done one full marathon, two half marathons, and is about to do a third. Yep, I'm just a couch potato.

In his defense, he knows nothing of the fact that I lost 30 pounds after getting married. He does not know the me of the past: The girl who was definitely over-weight and out of shape. He does not know the girl with extreme problems dealing with food and the emotional tie she once had to food. He has no clue that she, everyday, still has to fight this battle because sometimes she still hears those voices saying she's not good enough, pretty enough, and all that other CRAP!

As I retold my mom this story, the momma bear in her came out, and I love her for it. However, she is wise in her words, and even wiser in her reactions. She stated, "No, you aren't a size 6 skinny girl, but you are strong, and you are in good shape. You know how to help others, and you won't intimidate them because you understand the struggle they are facing. You know what it's like to go through this. Besides, you have done a full marathon." There was more she said, and she said it better than what I would remember by typing it out, so we'll leave it at that.

So, I'm not perfect. Hooray, that's a great relief and removes some pressure from me. More and more, I am seeing our bodies as the second gift God have us (the first being himself). We are put here to do his work on this earth. When we are out of shape, we are slow, lack energy, lack confidence, lack excitement. When we take care of what we have been given, we typically are more willing to accept challenges, to step out in faith, to live fully in what God has called us to. It's not about being skinny or being a size 4, it's about me being the best me I can be. That means I accept my legs that will always, in proportion to the rest of me, be big, and my shoulders will look like I could suit up for a football team. However, it also means I accept the physical strength I possess, the ability to run and lift weights, help move furniture, and endure what life gives me. It means, I don't tell God he messed up in how I have been created because that is just not in His nature or abilities. Case closed.

Memories

Three years ago yesterday, my nephew died. I can still remember the call from my mom, I can remember crying out in Andy's arms, I can remember shouting at God with every emotion I had. I remember feeling helpless, lifeless, insignificant, lost, confused, angry, and like my heart had been ripped right out of my chest. The worst part? There was not a thing I could do to make it easier on my sister, brother in law, niece, or parents. Not a darn thing, I still hate that.

Since that time, I have seen God's hand work in mighty ways. I now have another niece, who was adopted, and is as much a part of our family as the rest of us. She is funny and sweet and constantly smiling. God made a way, a path that was full of intense pain, to open up the door for this child to have a safe and loving home. I love that fact.

Now, I focus more on Camden's life rather than the day he died and the day of his funeral. January 17th, he would be turning 4. I wonder what he would look like, what he would talk like, what he would like and have fun doing. I'm thankful for some friends who have children the same age because I get to love on them and watch them grow. There are moments the whole thing seems surreal, like none of it happened, like life was put on pause for a time. I'm thankful for Camden, even if I believe God chose to take him Home way too soon. I'm thankful I got to see him, hold him, see him smile, hear his cry and his laugh. I'm thankful he was born into our family, and I'm thankful he survived two heart surgeries when doctors said he may not. I'm thankful that with each year I see how lucky I am to have known such a beautiful spirit that lived in Camden. I'm even thankful for the pain and heartache that reminds me of my constant, daily need for God.

What is Love?

So many thoughts in my mind these days, so many many thoughts. Too bad I don't write them down as they come to me, it would make blogging so much easier.

Lately, I have heard a lot of questions concerning what love is. What is it? How is it maintained? How do I keep it? And on and on the questions go. Here's my answer: Love hung on a cross, willingly, long ago....for YOU, me, all of us. That is love. The beauty of that cross? It was a choice, chosen and accepted by the one who was set apart to love mankind fully, completely, and with wild abandon. The joy is found in the fact that love didn't stay on the cross, it was restored to a fullness we will one day know.

You doubt you are loved? Look to the cross. You think no one cares? Look to the cross. You think no one understands you? Look to the cross. Love, at its purest, knows, and accepts you as you are, and sees your beauty. You can't see it? You can't feel it? That's ok, it's still there.

Have Mouth...Will Use It

I speak, often, too much, without thinking, with blatant honesty, and sometimes without regard for what others may think. It's how I roll (how my tongue rolls rather). Always has been. I am trying to shut up...hence, I type! A-HA! I have found the remedy! The joys of knowing so few read this blog. Sweet release.

One of my greatest pet peeves in when folks twist what I say, or retell it out of context. Every freakin' time I end up in some kind of trouble. Granted, I should just keep my trap shut, but again, I speak often.

And another thing, when someone tells me something and their statement begins with, "Just between you and me," that is how their comment stays. So why is it then, that cannot be reciprocated? Just wondering. I informed Andy that unless I have known someone for a year or more, I will no longer be saying anything beyond, "Hello, how are you? Fabulous, nice to see you. God bless." That's it, eleven words. He scoffed, laughed, chuckled, and said, "Yea, good luck with that." Me thinks he don't believe me! (Can't imagine why)

I have to be at work at 5am tomorrow, so my tirade is over, for now. Good night.

Holiday Pictures

Here is the link to some pictures taken while we were in Rochester, NY, celebrating Christmas with Andy's momma.